I liked the John Singer Sargents

Seriously, how did I get to be 18 weeks pregnant? Where is time going? I spent six months wishing for that little blue line to show up, and now here I am, almost halfway through with growing a baby already.

I got out a ruler, to see how long six-and-a-half inches is (the baby's length, crown to rump). It's enormous; well, it is to me, who for weeks had only various types of fruit to compare it to (a grape, a satsuma, an avocado).

There are movements now too; not all the time, perhaps a few times a day, but definitely can't be anything but the baby. I get poked if I roll over too quickly in bed at night; I feel flutters as I'm sat cross-legged (bad mummy!) in an office chair.

We heard the heartbeat today, the first time my husband has heard it - it wriggled away, like it did last time, but the midwife chased it and we found it again. I don't think s/he likes being disturbed :)

Just under two weeks til the Big Scan, too - I am very excited about seeing the baby again. I am of course terrified that there will be something wrong, but it's thinking positively that's got me this far, so I need to carry on...

I feel like I haven't posted in forever - I hardly get any time on the internet at work, and although I read, I rarely get time to comment :(

However, today I am off sick with what feels suspiciously like morning sickness - NOOOOO! I thought it had left me far behind at about 10 weeks, but here I am at nearly 16 weeks with the worst nausea in ages. Gah!

On the plus side, I am feeling tiny tiny movements :) Mostly in the middle of the night, if I wake up to go to the bathroom or change position - I tend to sleep on my side/stomach, and if I roll over quickly enough I am usually rewarded with a tiny 'flip' in my belly, way down below my belly-button. Every time it happens, I have to nudge my sleeping husband and tell him, though he rarely remembers it in the morning! I can't wait for the flips to turn into kicks...


OK, three weeks ago I just looked a bit bloated, but now?
( Bump photo: 15w2d )
OMG there's a BABY IN THERE! (Apologies for blurriness, I am rubbish at taking pics without the flash)

PS see that glider chair behind me? Officially THE most comfortable chair ever created. I have to fight my cat for it though!

And, just for fun, my 13-week scan pic:
( Alien baby )

I wasn't supposed to get a scan, since I had one at 9 weeks, but I had some pretty nasty stomach pains that led to an emergency trip to the EPAU. They were wonderful, and really reassured me. I can't believe how much it had grown in 4 weeks!

We had our first midwife appointment yesterday - it was fantastic, and left me feeling really positive about this pregnancy. I'll have a team of four midwives looking after me, at least one of whom will be present at the birth, and I should get to meet all of them before my due date. The one who did my appointment was lovely, and made me feel really at ease - this pregnancy is 'low risk', according to all the info I gave her, and she thinks I should be just fine for a homebirth - yay!

My district is really positive about homebirth/natural birth; they are not keen on unnecessary intervention, and if I happen to go over my due date, I'll be seen at 41 weeks to discuss my options - no pressure for an induction :) So much better than what I'd expected; I'd heard stories of how the NHS is so stretched that they actively discourage homebirth, but I seem to have fallen on my feet by moving to Cheshire!

We booked our 20-week ultrasound, and I declined the quadruple screening tests. Our families know about the baby now, and I feel really positive about everything - not easy after two miscarriages, but I feel like I've come so far. To be honest, staying off the internet as much as possible has helped - I'm not permanently fearing the worst these days. I need to delete Google from my favourites list, I think ;)

Well, yesterday was quite the saga! We don't drive, so have to rely on the bus to get to the hospital; we got to the bus stop for 8am, thinking there'd be a bus at around 8:20. Alas, it was Saturday service, so the bus didn't come til 8:55 - by which time we were cold, wet and nervous about being late! Luckily there was hardly any traffic, so we made it to the EPAU in record time, me feeling sick all the way as usual - I've become useless at travelling since getting pregnant.

Once there, we saw the doctor who looked through my notes and advised us that the sonographer had been called away to an emergency - there would be a 'short delay'. Argh, I've just drunk half a litre of water - not good news! I ended up having to run to the toilet to pee, then back again 10 minutes later to throw up - classy.

Eventually we got in for our scan, and I was told that my bladder was a little too full - despite emptying it 40 minutes previously! Blimey. Anyway, everything looks good, baby is growing right on target, and measuring 9weeks 1day - putting me back a week from my LMP date, but I expected that so it's all good.

We got two pictures - baby looks like a Haribo jelly teddy :) No more scans until the 20-week one, fingers crossed. Due date 2nd August!

I had the worst night's sleep last night. I made sure I ate something before I went to sleep, as on Tuesday night I woke up at around 3am feeling sick with hunger, and had to scarf down some crackers before I could get back to sleep.

( Worries and niggles...skip if you like )

Before I got pregnant again I just had this 'feeling' that the next pregnancy would be a good one - doubt never entered my mind. As soon as I got a positive test, though, I've been worrying! My sister says it doesn't get any easier once they're born ;)

So my plan for the day is to do some housework, watch some cheesy Christmas films and eat lots of biscuits with my feet up and the cat on my lap. Lazy? Of course ;)

Well, I've finally been well enough to go back to work, so I've not had much time for LJ (boo). I spent all day yesterday catching up, though, and getting excited about everyone's babies-in-waiting :)

I FINALLY got my referral for my booking-in appointment with the midwife through yesterday - it's on January 16th, when I'll be almost 13 weeks. Not looking forward to having blood drawn - ouch! - but looking forward to meeting the midwife and asking lots of questions. Included in my appointment letter was a flyer about birth choices, which said that home births are supported and encouraged for low-risk mums, even first-timers. This has made me very excited, as I would love to have my baby at home...I *hate* hospitals.

In the meantime, though, I've got 10 days off work and my second scan next Friday - fingers crossed everything's OK, that would be the BEST start to the New Year ever.

This morning I went to my local Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit for a scan. I was so, so nervous all the way there (nearly threw up on the bus!) but we made it in good time. I saw the doctor first, who asked me all the usual questions, then we had the scan...

All is well - baby is measuring at 6w1d, which is what I'd anticipated ('technically' I'm 7 weeks, but I have weird cycles). We saw the heartbeat - as soon as I saw the little flashing pixel, I started crying! Never got this far before...it was amazing.

I know we're not out of the woods yet, but all looked good, and I'm going back on the 29th for another scan - hopefully it'll be my last until the 20-week mark.

I can't quite believe it - I keep looking at the blob on the picture and grinning like a fool!

I've slept really badly for the past two or three nights; bad dreams (so vivid!), painful boobs and awful indigestion. I've never had to get up in the night and take antacids before, but now it's the only way to get back to sleep.

I'm still absolutely bloody terrified of the next few weeks, but I'm trying my hardest to think positive thoughts as well. I've got a week off work, so I can relax and write my NaNo novel and try not to get wound up but still, I'm finding it a lot more difficult to stay calm.

The knowledge that my last pregnancy never developed past the 'foetal sac' stage bothers me, too. Should I expect my symptoms to get steadily worse than last time, if this pregnancy is progressing as normal? What are the chances of a healthy baby, given my history? What if I'll never give birth to a live child?

I don't want to think about any of this, but I can't get the thoughts out of my head. The one comfort I have is that I'll know either way by the 8th December - my first scan, and I'm dreading it. I wish I could erase the memory of miscarriage from my mind, and just relax.

On Saturday morning, I woke up in a bad mood. I had tons of NaNoWriMo writing to do, places to be later that day, and generally felt grouchy and irritable. The postman knocked on our door at about 11am - bringing me my latest batch of cheapo internet pregnancy tests from Ebay. I was already in a bad mood, so I decided I may as well test, since bad news couldn't piss me off any more...

...The usual routine: pee in cup, dip test, wait 5 minutes, swear at test, throw test in bin and sulk for an hour or two. Only this time, things happened a little differently. Within two or three minutes, I could see a line - a faint one, but by my estimation I was only around 10 to 12 DPO anyway - and a line's a line, right?



Of course, I've tested every morning since then, and my lines are getting nicely darker - hooray for Ebay sellers with 15 tests for £1.50 :P

So, it looks like we finally did it, after 8 months of trying, and 6 months of charting (I tailed off towards the end; I just made myself nervous every month). Naturally I am TERRIFIED of what could happen over the next 8 weeks or so; I saw my doctor yesterday who has referred my for an early 'reassurance' scan, so I shouldn't have to wait 12 weeks to find out what's happening, like last time.

In the meantime, I am trying to just stay calm and think positive thoughts - it's all I can do, isn't it?

W were away this weekend for my best friend's wedding, and on our way back we stopped in London for a couple of hours before our coach to Manchester. We went for a walk around Pimlico, and visited the Tate Britain gallery, where I got to see my favourite paining again: 'Carnation, Lily, Lily Rose" by John Singer Sargent (see my icon for an idea of what it looks like). It looks just beautiful up close, and it made me so hapy to see it again after what must be 3 or 4 years.

We thought about buying a print of it, but we couldn't decide which room it would look best in so we're leaving it for now. Bedroom would be good, but we've just decorated with mad silver/purple wallpaper (better than it looks, honest!) so...maybe not.

I bought some early pregnancy test sticks from eBay today, for the first time ever. I can't afford to keep spending £5-8 a go on ones from Boots, what's the point when they're always negative? (Yes, I am hoping that some reverse psychology is going to work here, wink wink)

My chart on FF.com looks all screwy this cycle. According to them I ovulated on CD12, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't until CD17. According to them, I'm now 17DPO, but if you ask me it's more like 12DPO. I'm determined to wait until at least 18DPO by my calculations before getting all excited...to be honest I don't tink this cycle is a very good one. The Mr was away camping for most of it so our chances are pretty small.

At least this way I can get pissed at Kate's wedding on the 1st July though....heh.

No baby this September after all. Spent Wednesday evening in A&E, then had a scan on Thursday morning to confirm what I sort of knew - just a big black hole on the ultrasound, no foetus at all. Blighted Ovum, as they say.

Better to have no baby in there than a dead one, I think.

Surprisingly (or not?) posting the news on theladiesloos was infinitely more therapeutic than having to leave the pregnancy communities I was in. I upset someone with my tale of horror! Hmm. Last time I looked, 'reading about something on the internet' does not equal 'that thing happening to you'. Bad luck isn't contagious!

Anyway, I got some excellent book recommendations, and have ordered one from Amazon. I shall update further when I've read it.

Last night I had the most vivid dreams so far about my baby. I was in two minds about writing them down, but I am running a bath and I've decided to write it here while I wait...

I dreamed that we had a little girl - I don't remember if there was any 'labour' in the dream though. She was tiny, and I could fit her whole body into my cupped palms. I tried to breastfeed her, but she was so small that I couldn't get her to latch on; then I remembered reading about the 'football hold' somewhere, so I tried that, and she opened her mouth reeeeallllly wide and started to latch on. I could only feed her from my left side, for some reason, and it felt strange.

Then I was wandering around the maternity department of a clothes shop/shopping centre (not sure which), looking for a dress for my best friend's wedding in July. I couldn't find anything, and I was getting more and more frustrated - I didn't want to look ugly at her wedding.

The strange thing about this dream was that I was looking at these maternity clothes while feeding my daughter - I already had her, so why was I looking for dresses to accommodate my bump?

I could analyse it, I supose, but I think it's fairly easy to work it out!

Now my bath is nearly ready, and I'm going to try and do something about my AWFUL skin. Ugh :(

I'm usually a soup fiend. I love the stuff - I have it every day for my lunch at work (spicy parsnip is my favourite). However, in the last week or so I've got to the point where I just can't stomach the stuff - all I want to eat is chocolate mousse and Greek yogurt! Not good when I'm trying my best for a healthy, balanced diet.

The weird thing is that I am a massive fan of food in all its shapes and forms, usually. I *love* everything except bananas, but since getting pregnant I've found myself getting more and more fussy. I'll buy something thinking that I want it, only to feel sick after two or three bites. So frustrating!

The only thing I can eat without problems is breakfast cereal. Oh, and I'm drinking GALLONS of milk - in a pint glass with some ice cubes, mmmmm. And watermelon! Mmmm watermelon. My local grocers is currently selling medium-sized watermelons for £1.99 each...I'm having big chunks of it for my breakfast tomorrow. Yum!

Not fair! As soon as I get over my Diet Coke addiction, they do it...they FINALLY start selling Diet Cherry Coke!

I've been wishing this was available for YEARS. And now it is - and I can't drink it all day long like I want to! :(

OH MAN MY TEEEEEEEETHHHHH


I am seriously considering takng the pliers to them. Gah.

I want some spicy parsnip soup, but I have to wait for the nice Tesco van to deliver it...grrr.

Not feeling so sick today, but did yelp with pain as I rolled over onto my chest this morning - it felt like both my boobs had been electrocuted! I woke the Mr up, which I think he fond quite alarming.

I've told one more person, but she lives in Denmark so I think I can trust her to keep schtum for me! Also told my mother, but only because I would have felt guilty keeping it from her. I've got a creeping feeling I'm not going to make it to 12 weeks without every single person I know finding out...

Joined a few more LJ communities too, though I'm still too nervous to post much. I'm looking at it like this: if the worst were to happen, at least I'd have some sort of a support network set up, rather than having to suffer in silence through none of my friends or family knowing.

I think I'm becoming addicted to bloody baby websites too. Not the message borads though - they just scare me. :/

Today: sore boobs, mild sickness, peeing ALL THE BLOODY TIME!

I can't relax. I'm scared that if I do, I'll start bleeding and it'll all be over, and I won't be prepared for it. I've been trying to stay positive by reminding myself how many people I know have had happy, healthy babies recently - even after problems or previous miscarriages.

I've decided to document this pregnancy in this 'spare' journal until I know one way or the other whether there'll be a baby in the autumn. If I lose it, at least I'll have a somewhat permanent reminder of how I felt and what was going through my mind for the weeks I was pregnant.
If I don't, it'll be a good place to keep all the baby stuff separate from my 'real' journal where people might not necessarily want to read about it.

I think I'll spend today reading 'happy' baby stories, and try to remember that every single person in the world is here because happy, healthy pregnancies are far and away the rule, and not the exception.

*Positive thoughts!*

Well, it's true what they say about 'awkward first journal entry', isn't it...




...so here's a picture of the thing I am most in love with today.